A monthly podcast presenting a brand-new very very loose translation of the entire goddamn bible by David Tuchman

23.4: Names - Chapters 11-12

In the latest episode of OMGWTFBIBLE, host David Tuchman and guest Mordechai Levovitz of Jewish Queer Youth reach the end of Parshat Shmot and try to draw a lesson from it all. For David, this chapter is the start of the Bible describing something bigger than that one little family God anointed as his favorites. But what does Mordechai learn? Listen below to find out!

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A new OMGWTFBIBLE now available!




Judaism is not about limits and constraints

it’s about being your self and having a great time

Judaism is about being gay and loving God

Judaism is about desert wizards talking to fire and throwing blood at people

(via kosherqueer)

Episode 23.3 is here!

Episode 23.3 is here!

Part 3 of Episode 23 is here!  This week, I read even more Bible with Mordechai Levovitz of Jewish Queer Youth, and we cover a number of pressing questions, like: What exactly is Moses’s relationship with Yitro? What does God do when nobody’s around? And why is he so long-winded?

Find out above in this week’s installment, in which Moses is called to SAVE. HIS. PEOPLE.

Also, discover how the…

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23.3: Names - Chapters 7-10

OMGWTFBIBLE dives ever further into Exodus! This week, host David Tuchman reads even more Bible with Mordechai Levovitz of Jewish Queer Youth, and they cover a number of pressing questions, like: What exactly is Moses’s relationship with Yitro? What does God do when nobody’s around? And why is he so long-winded?

Find out in this week’s installment, in which Moses is called to SAVE. HIS. PEOPLE.

Also, discover how the Bible inspired Groot.

A new OMGWTFBIBLE now available!

Episode 24 Live!


I am kicking off Exodus Part 2 (aka “Vaera”) on September 22nd with Special Guest Y-Love. It’s going to be spectacular! Check out the Facebook event here!

Beauty Bar
231 E. 14th Street
September 22nd; 8:00 PM


Now that I’m reading all these religious texts and talking about religion/atheism on my blogs a lot more, I am suddenly getting only religious blogs recommended to me on my dash.

Like, I’ve seen “bible verse of the day” blogs, “how to enrich your life with Christ” blogs, “peace, love and prayer” blogs.

No. Go away.

Ugh tell me about it. I try to combat it with this stuff.

Porn Lady Reads the Shulchan Aruch (NSFW)


Screen shot 2014-08-19 at 8.03.40 PM

The Shulchan Aruch is a massive anthology of Jewish law (aka halacha) compiled in 1565 in Venice by Rabbi Joseph Karo that is still considered authoritative by many Jewish sects. It is also a prop in this porn clip for some reason.

Perhaps the volume was sitting around whatever house this was filmed in and the producers thought it would make a clever intro to the sexytimes. But the actors’ ad-libs raise more questions that they should. Such as:

  • Is Liv Aguilera’s character pretending to read Hebrew or did her in-laws really teach it to her as she claims? She does know when it’s upside-down!
  • Who are her in-laws?
  • Are they her husband’s family?
  • Did she convert to marry him?
  • If she’s married, why is she having sex with this random dude whose relationship to her is never explained? Is she in an open relationship?
  • Which volume of the Shulchan Aruch is she reading?
  • Does she have a chavruta (study partner)? Does she want one?

I don’t have the answers to these questions. But I do have the very NSFW video, linked below the fold.

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Idk why this stuck out to me, but as I started reading I realized that these were valid questions that I should answer!

First off, the book was purchased by the director as a prop. My character was supposed to be a teen nerd (and since this was for the website for Team Skeet) they wanted me to read the biggest book they could find to make me look smaller.

I had noticed the language of the book and pointed it out to the director that those who can read this are gonna know I’m not reading just any book. So, as an added improv, they said “Say you borrowed it from your Jewish in laws or something like that.”

There was not much thought put into the dialogue or the plot, and I felt completely unprepared for the scene buildup. As popular as the scene became, the entire beginning was improvised.

Thank you so much for finding this and answering my questions! Before I say anything, I want to apologize for not trying to ask you this stuff before posting this. Adding your voice would’ve given the article a totally different tone.

I hadn’t even thought about the size of the book! That makes a ton of sense and actually works as intended in the video. And it was pretty ignorant of me to assume that there wasn’t thought put into prop selection just because this is porn. That’s something else I have to apologize for!

Also, that insight puts a totally different spin on all the times I carried a Talmud almost as big as me during my Yeshivah days.

It was a good call pointing out that someone’s going to know what you’re reading. That’s the magic of the Internet! I have a feeling there are plenty of watchers who know EXACTLY what it was because of how outwardly religious they are. But they’ll never tell…

Really, though, I love this video because of how regressive the book you’re reading is to woman and sexuality! I can only hope that you were reading this section for ultimate irony:

Even HaEzer 23:1-4

It is prohibited to let off or remove seed needlessly and it is a sin from the Torah. For this reason a man should not trample his insides and sprinkle [it] outside [of a woman] and and he will not raise a daughter that is appropriate to have children.

Those who commit adultery with their hand and thereby cause semen to be spilled it is not enough that this is a great prohibition, but one who does so should sit in excommunication and about them it is said “Their hands are full of blood” and it is as if they have killed a person.

It is forbidden for a man to make himself erect intentionally or to cause himself to think about sex. Rather if he thinks about sex he should remove himself from vain things and go to the words of Torah which is like a beloved doe and a graceful deer. Therefore it is forbidden for someone to sleep on their back with his face up, rather he should lean to the side so that he doesn’t come to have an erection. And he shouldn’t look at a beast or a wild animal or bird when the male and females are copulating. But it is permitted for those who bring animals to mate to put the applicator in the tube because that this their work and it won’t cause them to have sexual thoughts.

It is forbidden for a man who is not married to touch his private parts so that he doesn’t come to have a sexual thought. And he may not even touch anywhere under his belly button lest he have a sexual thought. And when he urinates he should not hold his member and urinates. But if he is married this is permitted. And whether married or unmarried he shouldn’t put his hand on his member at all when he must relieve himself.

Episode 23.2 is here!

Every time I think about this I confuse myself. In Hebrew, the book of Exodus is called “Shmot”. That translates to “Names” in English. The first portion of Shmot is also called Shmot. So, for my purposes, episode 23 covers Names, the first portion of the book Names. Got it? Good!

Anyway, this is the second installment of episode 23. This time around, me and Mordechai really get into the story, mocking Paraoh’s deviousness and Rashi’s imaginary French accent.

This episode was recorded at Beauty Bar in New York City.

There are so many ways to listen to Episode 23.2!

You can listen using the SoundCloud thingie above or by downloading here. Explore our SoundCloud and listen to past episodes here.

You can also: subscribe in iTunes, subscribe via RSS, or listen via Stitcher!

23.2: Names - Chapters 2-6

OMGWTFBIBLE is back and diving into Exodus! This week, David Tuchman reads some Bible with Mordechai Levovitz of Jewish Queer Youth. Just how devious does Paraoh get this week? What centuries-old disagreement did sages have about the elasticity of his daughters arm? And why in the world hasnt this show been making stereotypical French jokes about Rashi for years. Find out this week!

A new OMGWTFBIBLE now available!